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I'll admit it:  I'm a recovering control freak. Anyone else? It's not an easy thing to say, but here we are. A therapist once told me, 'There's nothing wrong with needing control - it's only a problem when you deny it."  When we refuse to acknowledge our need for control, it doesn't go away - it just shows up in unhealthy ways. Passive-aggressiveness, defensiveness, manipulation...sound familiar?

Someone in the church asked me,   "How do we live with our need to control without controlling others?"  What a great question. And a tough one. After sitting with it for a while, I've come to believe the answer lies in something called "self-differentiation."

Murray Bowen, one of the founders of family systems therapy, talked about self-differentiation as the ability to define your own life - your values, decisions, and emotions - while staying connected to others without controlling them or being controlled by them. Edwin Friedman, in "Generation to Generation," puts it this way:

"Differentiation means the capacity to define one's own life goals and values apart from surrounding togetherness pressures, to say 'I' when others are demanding 'you' and 'we.'  It includes the ability to stay calm in the midst of anxiety and to take responsibility for one's own emotions and destiny."

In simple terms, it's about staying true to who you are while respecting others as they do the same. You can stand firm in your own identity without tugging on others or letting them pull you off balance.

Here's a helpful example from Friedman's book: Imagine a husband says, "I'm going to the movies."  His wife doesn't get upset if she's not invited. She might say, "I'd like to go too," or, "No thanks, ll pass."  Either way, there's no guilt, no blame - just two people being honest about what they want, without trying to control or guilt the other.

That's self-differentiation in action. And it's freeing! Instead of trying to control others or manage how they behave, we focus on controlling our own choices, actions, and responses. It doesn't mean we stop caring about others - it means we stop trying to live their lives for them.

That's where Mel Robbins' "Let Them" rule has been such a game-changer for me. Robbins talks about how we get so caught up in trying to fix, manage, or control what others are doing, and it only creates stress and frustration. Instead, she says, simply let them. If someone wants to make a choice that doesn't line up with what we would do? Let them. If they're upset about something we can't control? Let them. It's not about detachment - it's about giving others the freedom to live their own lives, just as we're free to live ours. And when you think about it, isn't that exactly how God loves us? God doesn't micromanage our every move. Instead, God lets us make choices and grow into who God's created us to be.

Here's the truth: the healthiest kind of control isn't about others - it's about ourselves. When we focus on controlling our own lives, our own reactions, and our own values, we're living into the person God created us to be. And when we stop trying to control others, we honor their unique identity as beloved children of God.

So, to my fellow recovering control freaks: let's take a deep breath and let them. Let them make their choices. Let them be who they are. And let's trust that God is at work in their lives just as much as God is at work in ours.

May we all keep learning to reflect God's love and grace in our lives  - and let's give others the freedom to do the same.  See you Sunday!

Peace, Pastor Tracy