Let’s Talk About Talking

One of my communication pet peeves is triangling. That’s when someone talks to a third person about a problem they’re having with someone else, instead of addressing the person directly. It’s an unhealthy habit many of us learned early on as a way to avoid conflict. But it never really solves anything—it just creates more confusion and hurt.

Another pet peeve of mine is passive-aggressive communication. That’s when someone doesn’t express their thoughts or needs clearly but instead drops hints, uses sarcasm, or gives the silent treatment to show their frustration. I’ve noticed North Carolinians are pretty good at this! I, on the other hand, come from the land of, “Let’s look at the elephant in the room and talk about it.” I can be blunt—hopefully not too much—and I’m up front with what I think and feel. You’ll always know where I stand, and that’s how I hope we can all learn to be with one another: honest, kind, and clear.

A third pet peeve is when prayer concerns unintentionally turn into gossip. We’ve all done it—I know I have. But after serving as a hospital chaplain, I began to see it from the other side. I’ve met many patients who didn’t want their church or pastor to visit because they were afraid folks would “talk about them.” That broke my heart.

Now, I try very hard to share only those prayer concerns I’ve been given permission to share. If you tell me something in confidence—whether it’s a prayer, a personal story, or a burden—I take that responsibility seriously. Occasionally, I may need to let a few others in on something when it impacts the wider church—but those moments are few. My general rule is this: if it’s not my story, it’s not mine to share. Unless I’ve been given permission. That kind of discernment is a spiritual gift—one we can all grow into together.

Broad Street is a wonderful church, and I am so thankful to be here!  I’ve noticed, though, that there are some areas of growth we need when it comes to communication. For example, it’s important for committees and work areas to focus on their own work rather than the work of other groups. If your committee is curious about what another team is doing, invite them to the table for a joint conversation. That’s a healthier approach than assuming or trying to “fix” something from the outside.

Also, remember this: unless you are actively part of a team, you likely don’t have the full picture. You’re always welcome to attend any meeting at Broad Street (with the exception of Staff-Parish Relations). So come! Be curious. Learn more. As I like to say, “Stay in your lane.” Because when we swerve into someone else’s lane—just like in a car—we can cause a wreck.

Now, I’ll be honest: when I see these patterns happening, I may seem abrupt. But that’s only because I care. I’ve seen again and again that clear, respectful, and direct communication is one of the greatest keys to a healthy church.

That goes for me, too. If you see me slipping into one of these pet peeves, I invite you to hold me accountable.

Our staff is working on this as well. I'm intentional about telling the staff not to overreach into areas that aren’t theirs to lead.  We want to support one another in meaningful ways without overstepping boundaries. That means trusting the person responsible for their ministry area to lead with confidence and clarity, while encouraging their unique gifts rather than unintentionally overshadowing them. Our staff is continuing to grow in learning how to stay in our own lanes—not to limit one another, but to lift each other up. We’re also learning how to leave space for the congregation and make room for everyone’s God-given gifts to shine.

And let me tell you—my biggest pet peeve? Parking lot meetings. You know what I mean: the real meeting that happens after the meeting. In the parking lot. They drive me bonkers—and yes, they give me heartburn! If something needs to be said, let’s say it at the table where it belongs.

This Lent, let’s commit ourselves to good communication. The kind Jesus modeled. He didn’t say to Peter, “Do you know what Judas did?” He didn’t offer Paul editorial feedback on his letters before he sent them. Jesus trusted his disciples—while offering them some teaching along the way. He also didn’t say, “Let’s pray for James—he told me he’s sick.” He simply prayed. For everyone.

In the church, it’s tempting to want to fix everything. We want to help, to pray, to support—and those are all good things. But fixing is God’s job. Prayer should never break trust. Supporting our neighbor means asking what they need—not assuming.

Being a pastor means I sometimes have to say hard things. And yes, there are times I go home and replay the conversation in my head, wishing I’d said something more clearly or with more grace. I never do or say anything without a reason or a purpose—everything comes from a place of wanting the best for the church. My heart is always in it. I’ve seen churches fall into unhealthy patterns, and I deeply desire something better for Broad Street.

I want this church to be a place where trust runs deep, where everyone’s gifts shine, and where our stories are kept sacred. That takes practice. That takes patience. That takes letting go of the idea that only we can do something best. And yes, from time to time, I may need to step in, change a system, or do things differently. Change is hard—but it can be holy.

Please know: I do all this because I love God, I love this church, and I love this community. And please never be afraid to come talk to me about anything. I’m here for you.  See you Sunday!

Peace, Pastor Tracy